


The Blasted Present

by ChristyCorr



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Christmas, F/M, Fluff, Gift Giving, Hogsmeade, Hogwarts Seventh Year, Marauders' Era, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-02-09
Updated: 2009-02-09
Packaged: 2019-01-19 01:33:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12400368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChristyCorr/pseuds/ChristyCorr
Summary: "Look. You're a brilliant person. But if you don't stop babbling about this blasted present, I swear on my great-grandfather's most unholy and thrice-damned name that I will Silence you for the rest of your life."





	The Blasted Present

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016.

"Mum always says that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach," Remus said, eyeing a large pile of Peppermint Toad boxes.

"Your mother clearly hasn't met a lot of men," Sirius replied with a snort, licking the remnants of a Sugar Quill off his thumb.

Remus grinned. "Oh, _clearly_."

Hogsmeade was always far too chaotic at this time of the year. Honeydukes was particularly full—James and Sirius had already used most of what they'd bought at Zonko's trying to clear some kind of walking space for the Marauders in the shop. The familiar stench of Dungbombs now permeated the store, driving most customers away; all Honeydukes employees were scowling at the four teenagers.

James fiddled with an Exploding Bonbon. "Lily will kill me if I get her _sweets_ for Christmas," he said miserably. "Whose idea was it to buy everyone's presents at Honeydukes anyway? It's not like I can give my parents sweets, either."

"Yours," supplied Peter with a smile. "You didn't want to go out shopping earlier, remember? So you convinced us all that we could get our shopping done in an afternoon here."

"I know!" James slapped his forehead. "What was I _thinking_?"

Remus put a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "In your defence, Prongs, you weren't with Lily back then—you had no idea you'd have to go through the stress of finding the perfect present for your girlfriend at Christmas."

"Well, yes."

"You had no idea of knowing she'd get you something brilliant, either."

"Exactly!" James wailed. "Why did she have to tell me she found something great for me? I'd forgotten Christmas was so close—damned holiday just came out of nowhere to surprise me!"

"It's the same date every year, mate," Sirius pointed out, shrugging. "You can always give her some Chocolate Blossoms, you know."

James shook his head. "No. It has to be _perfect_. That's just too...generic."

"I doubt you'll find anything perfect here, Prongs," Peter pointed out. "Plus, this kind of undertaking requires some kind of planning and thought, and you have done neither. Why don't you find some corner to sit and try to come up with something?" He checked his watch and made a face. "You have all of—er, well, you have a few minutes until the shop closes. Take your time."

"And then it's Christmas Eve tomorrow." James groaned and squatted on the floor, running both hands through his hair in desperation. "I'm doomed. _Doomed_ , I say. She'll never want to look at my face again."

"Well, to be fair, you've done plenty of things worse than forgetting to buy her a Christmas present in the past, and she's still willing to be your girlfriend," Sirius said.

"Also, worst-case scenario, you can say you got something via owl-order, and it just hasn't arrived yet," Peter volunteered. "These things happen sometimes."

"She'll never fall for that," Remus intervened at once. James glared at him. "I'm sorry, Prongs, but it's true—Lily noticed your desperation when she mentioned your present yesterday. She asked me if you'd even thought of buying her anything."

"It's kind of ironic when you think of it," Sirius pointed out, chuckling. "Back when they barely talked, James started thinking of her birthday and Christmas presents _weeks_ before he had to give them—and now he's been so busy with Lily that he actually managed to forget, the idiot."

"Arse," James muttered.

"That's a good point, though," Remus said pensively.

"What is?"

"You bought gifts for Lily for the past two years—don't you have any spare ideas you can use?"

James gave the matter some thought. "No," he said after a moment. "I never had any really good ideas. She expects me to know her better now."

"Do you?"

"No! I mean, I know what kind of music she likes now, and some of her favourite authors, but she already has everything!"

"She's Muggle-born," Sirius pondered. "Maybe you could give her something that would help her get acquainted with the wizarding world."

"She's been attending Hogwarts for _seven years_ , Padfoot," Remus said exasperately, "and I'm pretty sure she's been introduced to pretty much everything by now."

"Well...yeah, you have a point."

"Chocolate it is, then."

"I'm not getting her chocolate! I can get her some on the side, but I have to think of a good gift first."

"Gentlemen, it's a quarter past five. We're closing in fifteen minutes," a snotty-looking shopkeeper warned them.

"I'm aware of that," James snapped.

Peter scratched his head. "Mum likes getting jewellery."

"Mum loves getting jewellery too, especially the kind that's enchanted with Dark Magic," Sirius said with a grimace. "You know, Dad once gave her a tiara that transforms all Muggles who look at it into stone."

James winced. "Yeah, I bet Lily would love something like that."

"You could get her a broom so you two can fly together," Sirius suggested.

"You're just saying that to remind me that _you_ are dying to get a broom," James laughed. "My Christmas budget doesn't cover that kind of expense, Padfoot."

He smiled inwardly: Sirius' wish had been relayed to the Potters' several weeks ago, and they had bought him a top-notch Silver Arrow.

"I already know you've bought me nothing so far, Prongs; don't worry." Sirius grinned. "I say we all pitch in to buy a couple of Ogden's bottles to keep in our dorm, and let that be our collective present for ourselves."

"Oh, that's not bad," James said, his grin broadening. "That's not bad at all. All in favour?"

"Aye," Remus nodded.

"Aye!" Peter added.

"So we'll go to the Hog's Head after this and grab the bottles," James decided. "See, that was easy. Can anyone have an idea that simple and straightforward of what I could give to Lily?"

"You could give her alcohol, too," Sirius said, smirking. "I bet she'd enjoy that—or at least you certainly would."

"Shut up, Sirius, don't give the man ideas. Look, women are much more complicated, Prongs." Remus patted James' back sympathetically, and Sirius stuck his tongue out at Remus. "Nothing's ever simple."

They thought in silence for a few minutes, each reviewing everything he'd ever known about Lily. Had one of her favourite quills broken recently? Was she in need of a new scarf? Had she mentioned any books she'd had her eye on lately? Did she favour any type of candy in particular?

All four Marauders quickly came to the conclusion that Lily Evans was an impossible woman to shop for. To the best of their knowledge, she had few likes and dislikes—James had always been the biggest exception to this, one way or the other. The woman was a walking conundrum.

"She doesn't by any chance collect Chocolate Frog cards, does she?" Peter asked hopefully.

"Nope."

Sirius chewed on his lower lip. "Does she have an owl?"

"Yes."

Remus sighed. "You don't want to give her any kind of book, right?"

"Right."

"Well, then, you could do something yourself."

James stared at Remus, uncomprehending. "What, you mean, like—like a poem?"

Sirius groaned. "Please, heavens, _no_."

"No, I just mean that...er, we're all pretty good with a wand, yeah? Our pranks have taught us some really uncommon charms for all kinds of things. Maybe you could make something for her. I'm sure she'll value that more than anything you could find in a shop."

"That's it!" James slapped his thigh, ecstatic. "Moony, you're a _genius_! That's so true! She'll love it!"

Peter smiled. "Any idea of what you can make?"

James' face fell. "Not yet. It's got to—mean something, you know? I have to think of what I want to _say_ with the present."

Sirius grimaced. "You sound like a girl, mate."

"Well, it's true! I know she'll read into it; she overthinks stuff. I have to come up with something that she can't misinterpret. And I have to decide what I want the damned gift to say." James stood up, grabbed a few random sweet boxes—a regular month's supply for the four of them—and walked to the cashier. "But now I know I have to go back to school and hit the books for ideas."

"You could give her an Invisibility Cloak," Peter proposed.

A heavy silence followed his words. Sirius, Remus and James stared at him incredulously. James reached inside his robes to clutch the Cloak for reassurance.

Murderous anger flashed in Sirius' eyes as he asked, " _What_?"

" _A_ Cloak! Not _the_ Cloak!" Peter clarified quickly in a wheezy tone that betrayed the panic he felt. "You know, cast a spell on a regular cloak that would help her go unnoticed. It could be handy, maybe she'd like it!"

"Oh." Sirius took a deep breath and said, "That could work, but it doesn't seem very Lily to want to sneak around the school."

"It would make patrolling more efficient," Remus noted.

"I don't know; like Padfoot said, it's not very Lily."

"Hey, _we_ could give her that," Sirius said with a grin. "It's not very Lily, but it's very us to encourage any kind of mischief on her part."

"Okay, I have a book with a lot of information on Disillusionment Charms. I'll take a look at it."

James paid for the purchase, and they left the shop. He handed a shopping bag to each Marauder, and they made their way to the Hog's Head.

"I still need to think of something."

Sirius started digging through his shopping bag, and found a box of Chocolate Cauldrons; he opened the box, pulled out two Cauldrons, and handed it to Remus. After biting into his Cauldron, he tossed the spare one to James, who instinctively caught it in mid-air.

James stopped walking and stared at the sweet.

"It's getting dark, Prongs, let's keep moving," said Peter, poking James' arm.

"Hang on, he's having a Sherlock Holmes moment," Remus said with a smile.

"A what?"

"Oh ye of little culture." Remus shook his head. "Never mind. What's the idea you just had, James?"

"Remember that Snitch I used to play around with last year?"

"Yes..."

"Er, Prongs, remember how much that used to piss Lily off?"

"I do!" He laughed. "That's exactly the point!"

"She tried to blow it up once, if I recall correctly."

"That she did. But the little bugger survived—I still have it in my trunk. I could give it to her!"

"As a...proof of how much you've changed?" Sirius said dubiously.

"Precisely."

Peter also looked uncertain. "The thing won't even fly anymore, James; it's too old."

"I'll shrink it and put it on a bracelet, a necklace, or whatever—like you said, jewellery. It's a pretty safe bet, I think."

"And where are you going to find a bracelet now?"

"I remember seeing a book on Charming metals somewhere in the library. I'll figure something out."

"It'll take you all night to research this," Remus pointed out. "Are you sure you'll be able to finish it in time?"

"I thrive under pressure!" James said, grinning. "Now that I've made up my mind, getting it done will be the easiest part."

They arrived at the Hog's Head, finding it fairly crowded by the pub's standards. The barman greeted them with reluctant warmth; they were frequent customers, but Aberforth had never been keen on befriending patrons, let alone patrons who attended Hogwarts. Nevertheless, he and Sirius had been known to enjoy several lengthy alcohol-fuelled conversations in the past year.

"Hey, Ab." Sirius surveyed the rest of the pub with mild interest. "Busy night."

"Holidays," the barkeep grunted. He cleaned his spectacles with a dirty rag while waiting for their order.

James asked for two Firewhisky bottles, tossing a few galleons on the counter. Aberforth seemed cheerier after placing the coins in the pub's wooden till.

"Just got a shipment," he said, crouching to grab two bottles that, unlike everything else at the pub, were not yet covered with a thick layered of dust. "What are you boys planning to do with these on Christmas Eve, anyway? You're a bit too young to be drowning your sorrows this time of the year, aren't you?"

Sirius grinned. "Not too old to dislike partying at Christmas, though!"

"I'll bet your Headmaster won't like that much. Planning to show up at the Feast still rat-arsed, eh?"

"He won't find out," James reassured him, patting a goat that was trying to chew the hem of his robes. "Never does—you know that." He fetched some Jelly Slugs from his pockets and fed them to the goat, laughing at the animal's glee at receiving the treat. "I'm Head Boy now, Ab, I'm a bloody role model!"

"Yeah, yeah, and I'm the bleedin' Minister for Magic." The barman chuckled, scratching his tangled grey beard pensively. "Tell you what: I'll give you four bottles for the price of three—your last Christmas here and all."

"Brilliant!"

Sirius, Remus and Peter split the cost of the extra bottle; Aberforth grabbed two more from under the counter. The Marauders put one in each of their shopping bags.

"Have fun, boys."

"Cheers!"

They spent most of the walk back to the Shrieking Shack debating Lily's gifts. James was thinking of how to make the bracelet, and bouncing ideas off of Peter; Sirius and Remus were discussing Disillusionment Charms.

By the time they reached the passageway to the Whomping Willow, however, James had dragged them all back to the bracelet discussion. The redundancy of said discussion was starting to infuriate Sirius.

"D'you reckon it sends the right message, though?" James wondered. "I don't know, maybe she'll take it the wrong way—will it seem too arrogant to give her that?"

"For _heaven's_ sake, James, she'll love it," Sirius repeated for the umpteenth time.

"But what kind of message does it give?"

"It says that she...caught you, tamed you, changed you, something to that effect," Remus replied, waving his hands somewhat vaguely to reinforce his point. "Look, don't fret. You'll be fine."

"These things matter, you know. I have to think of all the possibilities. Lily mentioned the other day that she had never cared about what a present was worth or anything—the only important thing is what kind of feelings it shows, the thoughtfulness that went into choosing the present."

"We know, Prongs," Peter said.

Sirius rolled his eyes. "I didn't really understand the concept the first fifty-seven times you mentioned that, but now I think I've got it."

James ignored the sarcastic comment and went on, "The fact that the Snitch is _attached_ to the bracelet—won't she take that to mean that I regret being tied down and committed to her?"

" _No_ , Prongs," Remus groaned.

"Because I don't."

"We _know_ , James." Sirius stopped walking all of a sudden and walked to James, stopping directly in front of him. He rested his hands on James' shoulders and stared at him straight in the eyes. "Look. You're a brilliant person. In fact, I'm pretty sure you are, and will always be, my favourite person. But if you don't stop babbling about this blasted present, I swear on my great-grandfather's most unholy and thrice-damned name that I will Silence you _for the rest of your life_."

James arched his eyebrows and said nothing.

Sirius realised his threat had not been menacing enough, and went on, "The thing is: you're making me hate Lily. Not that much yet—nothing to worry about just now, it's mostly a passing irritation that makes me want to bark, or puke, or hit something whenever you mention her name. It's getting worse; one or two more mentions should do the trick. So please, _please_ stop talking about this, because despising the love of your life will make my life just a _little_ more difficult."

This one did the trick; James nodded, and they continued walking.

"Harsh much?" Remus taunted Sirius, jabbing him on the arm.

"Subtlety wasn't doing the trick, Moony."

Remus snorted. "Does it ever?" Turning to face James, he said, "Hey, we get it—it's Lily. We know she always gets you this way. You have to stop worrying, though; you had a good idea, you're going to pull it off, and she's going to think it's adorable. Just stop obsessing over it. Why not focus instead on how you're going to do everything overnight?"

"That makes sense," James shrugged. "One thing, though: I've got half a mind to remind Sirius of the last time he obsessed over someone and wouldn't shut up about it. That was _painful_ to endure. And also _far_ more disturbing—for obvious reasons."

Remus laughed.

"I have to second that," Peter added, grinning.

"Well, yeah," Sirius conceded unabashedly, "but I was still less sickening than James."

"That," Remus pointed out, "is nothing to be proud of."

"I'd protest, but I've had you lot nagging me about this for way too long to bother. Wormtail," James called out, pointing to the way out of the tunnel, "we're here; go ahead."

Peter handed his wand and bag to Remus before transforming. In rat form, he scurried up to the Willow and froze it, allowing the three wizards safe passage out of the tunnel. After they were all out of the tree's reach, Peter returned to his human shape.

"I'll need the Cloak to check the library, so you two can use my broomstick to go straight to the tower," James decided. "Peter, would you mind helping me for a while? Or do you have some last-minute presents to make, too?"

"No, no, I'm fine. I'll go with you."

James pointed his wand in the general direction of Gryffindor Tower and said, " _Accio_ Gunhilda!"

"I still maintain that's a really shitty name for a broomstick."

"Shut up, Sirius," James said, more out of habit than anything else; this was a dialogue they'd had at least once a week for the past three years. "I'm off, then."

The broomstick arrived within seconds; Sirius grabbed its handle and climbed on it. "Good luck, Prongs!"

"'Night, Peter; good luck, James," Remus said, sitting on the broomstick behind Sirius and placing both their shopping bags on his lap. James pulled the Cloak over himself and Peter, and they made their way to the Entrance Hall. At the same time, Sirius kicked off from the ground.

"We could have just gone the usual way on foot, you know. It would've been good for us to practice our Disillusionment Charms."

"So all that two-year spell-breaking work for nothing? Come on, we all love entering our dorm through the windows. Oh, and Remus?"

"Yes?"

Sirius smiled a terrifying smile. "Hold on tight. I'm in the mood for suicidal flying tonight."

"Oh, Merlin," Remus sighed, hanging on for dear life.

Several loops, near-crashes with the castle wall, and a quick glimpse of the Ravenclaw dorms later, he could take it no longer.

"Please," Remus muttered, chin digging into Sirius' shoulder and teeth shattering with cold and perhaps some panic, "please, let's just go to the tower. I have a lot to do tonight."

Sirius' long-suffering sigh would have convinced anyone that he in fact was doing Remus a grand selfless and sacrificial deed by agreeing.

They arrived at the seventh-year boys' window not two minutes later. To their surprise, Lily was inside waiting for them, and they nearly knocked her down as they flying in.

"Took you long enough!" she exclaimed, startled by their sudden arrival. "Where were you anyway? No, wait, I don't want to know."

"Fine by me." Sirius shrugged.

"Is James coming?"

Sirius cocked his head to the side, puzzled. "Not for a while. Why? Is something wrong?"

He got off the broomstick, and Remus followed suit—as usual, eyeing the hellish thing as if he was surely never going to climb on again. The four shopping bags, each containing one Firewhisky bottle, were stealthily put away, far beyond the Head Girl's line of sight.

"No, no, nothing," she replied at once, and cracked her knuckles in evident nervousness.

"Out with it, Lily," Remus prodded, sitting on James' bed; patting the space next to him, he motioned for her to sit as well. "What happened?"

"Well, you know what I bought for James, right?"

Both nodded.

"Well, I decided that instead of using actual paper, I would just make it a nice bit of Transfiguration—if he managed to build a 40-card card castle, it would transform into the present."

"Oh, wow," Remus said in awe. "That's a cool piece of work."

Sirius grimaced. "Oh, no, you didn't."

Remus turned to him. "Didn't what?"

"You used Exploding Snap cards to test it, didn't you, Lily?"

Lily buried her face in her hands. "I _did_!"

Remus winced. " _Shit_ ," he said, commiserating. "What now?"

"Well, now the present's gone! You know I may never find another one like it, let alone in time for Christmas, so I have less than a day to figure out a perfect gift for James—you know, something both meaningful and appropriate that will justify the high present praise I've already boasted about to him."

Sirius and Remus groaned.

"I need your ideas! Come on, guys, please help me out here. I'm _desperate_."

"I don't doubt it," Sirius said with utmost sincerity.

"I gave James the final idea," Remus quickly pointed out, moving toward his trunk to fetch books. "So it's your turn now. I have research to do."

Sirius didn't dispute this; it was difficult to win an argument against Moony, and in any case, Sirius Black knew when to pick his fights. If Remus were the one in charge of Lily, Sirius would've had to perform extensive research in a very short amount of time. It was a fair task distribution—to each his own.

This did not mean, however, that Sirius was happy with the prospect of coming up with more meaningful gifts for some more hours on end. These two definitely deserved each other.

"You know," he said tiredly, taking Remus' place beside Lily, "I really think you and James should get married."


End file.
